The Spectrum

There are things in life that we do not enjoy, but we do them anyway. Have you ever thought about never doing those things? I believe it is the thrill or pressure that drives us to stick with these.. things.
For these past weeks I have been directing a one act play titled Not My Cup Of Tea. I'm really proud of it and my cast members. I am so so thankful that we won those awards at our school. Yeah, so we didn't get many awards at QA. That's okay with me, I'm really content with how this all came out. I could care less about the awards, I just care that everyone had fun and proud of themselves.
I have tried so hard to not get my mind in the way of success. There are some days when I don't want to do this anymore or become angry because I haven't done anything.
And I expect to treat someone nicely and to be treated the same in return. It hurts my feelings when you brush off my acknowledgment on how well you did and how much fun I've had. But that's fine, its over and I guess that's that.

I get scared sometimes. That one day, I will snap and ruin all of this.. what I've worked for here. I mean, this process of going away to college is fine. But the people here, I feel like I'm going to mess up everything and I will have no one.
Now that I type that, I'm double thinking it... but deep inside, I feel that way; whether my mind wants to accept that or not.

Life isn't always fair. You can't have what you want, when you want it. Sometimes you end up not getting it at all. And you have to move on.
Benoit told me that if I need to take a moment to calm down, I can picture myself flying; the feeling of freedom from everything. Its my version of the 'cave.' Like they have in Fight Club. I took a moment today to myself and pushed the feeling of hatred and resentment. I closed my eyes, held my head, and said "don't let it, stop it, stop it, don't do that, stop, stop..." and what do you know, I turn around and Christie's mom and cary are right there in the car waiting for cris. They saw me do that! AH! She asked if I was alright, and of course I said I was fine. That was interesting. ha

My favorite song of all time is Howl by F+TM. This rips open my veins and pores - makes me feel like I don't have to hide anything from the world anymore. I become the beast that howls at the moon. It's very special to me, it puts me into this trance. The entire album Lungs does that to me. It balances my mind. Its like medicine to me... A cure that only lasts until the end of the song. My bliss continues for quite a bit, but then the tracks return to the normal day. The entire album is my mind; dreams, nightmares, love, hate, creativity, everything.

My mind is insane. But I wouldn't change it for the world. It keeps me sane at the same time. It might not make sense, but if you were me and suffered from the same memories and disorders, you would understand.

Today I noticed my true manic state... I haven't seen that side of me for a while... God help me control it.