let's try this again.

When I start, I can't stop.
I feel like I'm digging my own grave right now. I've got to stop doing this, its not fair. Eventually it will be caught and there is no way catching it back again.
And the only way I can get it off my mind is to laugh, is that such a bad thing?
even though it's not really funny at all, its just amusing to how childish this whole thing is. It is just so funny to observe what's really going on. Maybe I won't ever talk to her ever again in that way. who knows
I just keep getting these swings in my mind that follow her then going the other way is just letting go. If it wasn't for those two... she would be her normal self and just be a great person to be around. But since then she has probably caught on that she is losing us. who's to blame for it to be that way? yourself. no one else, you make your decisions and you have to pay the cost.
I just want to seriously take her away from everything and just sit with her.
and look into my eyes and see what she see's. It's the only way I know how to really open up; one on one.
I'm just that kind of person. and who knows, you know how I get the feeling that I'm left alone and no matter what I do I don't get close to them? do you think people think the same for me? .... doubt it

I have a few that I can fully trust. And you have to show me that you can stand by my side. I can't just give you my key to my thoughts and feelings, no no it doesn't work that way. I'm not so much trusting as she seems to be.. well maybe she does except she surely doesn't care I guess.
I don't want to hear that any of you know her more and all that I don't care about that. this is what I see at my point of view.
Yeah I know its just her but its not necessary. I'll just let it go, I can't change anything of anyone.
I know what has been said and I don't like to hear it twice because it gets aggravating. Because I do listen the first time. I go on my own way, using it or not.
Hey maybe its not the way you'd like me to use it, but at least I have acknowledged it right? -_-

I'm almost out of high school and I know what I want to do with my life so far.
I'm leaving here so I can get this shit out of my life.. but I do know its every where you go, but at least it won't be as immature as it is.
well, I've been said that I am more mature than most adults, so there you go.

I have thought of so many ways to tell her, but once I see her I just can't do it.
I can't. its not worth my time anymore. Yeah in my mind it makes perfect sense, but that's not reality.
Reality is a bitch, but you have to deal with it or fight it. And at the moment I am dealing with it so much that its no use to fighting it since you are so used to it by now.
I even right notes to myself on my dry erase board:
don't change your mind.
what am I suppose to say?
Just do what you think is right.

And I was actually thinking about telling her with out looking at her.
because every time I look at her, I just can't help but not hate her.
for what I have respected of her was a lot. even though I have lost that respect, that whole fact that I DID have some... is still in my mind.

I wish you could take one day and say anything you want, do anything you want but the next day, its like it never even happened. oh wouldn't that be great.

Him... uhg don't get my started

how the HELL do you chose HIM over THEM?! wtf are you thinking up in there?
well it's your life, live it.

I have said that I am done, but I keep coming back and saying that... but I know soon...
soon I will hang up and there will be dead silence on the other end.